• View
• Comments 19
• Ratings 0
• Download

The gospel according to Zoso

This is what happens when I can't sleep. 

^ Zoso: I think it's time for some Scripture.

^ Zoso: In the beginning, God created the ice giants. They had 100 heads and 100 hands.
  The ice giants begat Seth, who begat Isaac, who begat Noah. Noah begat Enlil, who begat 
  Hathor.

^ Zoso: Hathor begat Isis and Osiris, and they begat Horus, who had 3 toes on one foot and
  6 on the other thanks to inbreeding. Horus was a bad mother*****. He collapsed the hall 
  on the Philistines and killed them all

^ Zoso: Then out of the ashes of the hall rose a Phoenix, which rose in the air and crapped 
  in a field, and that field was known as hekel khara. Out of that field grew the World Tree, 
  on which Jesus hung for nine days and nights, a sacrifice, himself to himself

^ Zoso: On the third day Jesus rose from the dead and wept, because he was cutting an onion 
  to make spaghetti sauce. Yet pasta had not been invented yet. Thusly by his deeds he 
  prophesied. And from the sauce sprung a maiden in full armour

^ Zoso: The maiden was named Buddha, but she was called Glautama, because she had grey eyes. 
  The yak was sacred to her, as was the vomit of larks. At her holy temple in Jersey, a fire
  fed with cardboard was kept eternally burning, attended by 9 spinsters.

^ Zoso: And at her sacred grove in London's West End, priests observed the intricate motions
  of the stars from atop a stone treehouse, calculating the proper dates on which to offer 
  sacrifices of Rams, Heifers, White bulls, and cucumber sandwitches

^ Zoso: At the festival of the dead, they conducted gruesome ceremonies in a chamber atop a
  pyramid, gutting prisoners of war, drinking their blood, and tossing their corpses to the 
  pyramid's base. This appeased the dead and made them grateful. Jerry Garcia especially.

^ Theodrek Eothain: hah

^ Zoso: But as the years went by and the equinoxes processed from Capricorn to Unicorn to 
  Acorn, Glautama's power waned, and his son Jehovah appeared to mankind as a burning bush,
  giving them a new message: the ten commandments.

^ Zoso: afterwards, he appeared as an immolated twig, and proffered the first amendment, 
  which charlton heston kept in a golden box guarded by cherubim. For 40 years the Ammonites
  wandered the desert, eating mana from heaven.

^ Bled: can I have some drugs as well Zoso ?

^ Zoso: Until finally they arrived at the Promised Land, and, praising God, killed everyone 
  in it and took over. The land prospered, and the 60 tribes of the Ammonites waited, for 
  they know that from the tribe of Judah would come a lion, a Messiah to save the world.

^ Zoso: And in the reign of Nebuchednezzar, pontifex maximus, the Messiah was born to a 
  Parthian virgin. She delivered him on horseback, facing backwards. And as he fell to the 
  ground from the galloping horse, choirs of angels guided him to earth, for no harm shall  
  come to the hair on his head.

^ Zoso: And at that moment 7 goddesses of childbirth split from the side of an
     elephant, and said to the virgin 'Blessed art thou among women. For thou
     hast given birth to the the Messiah, and he shall be known as H.
     Christus', the H. standing for Harry, yet few now know what the H
     standeth for

^ Zoso: As the child grew, the reincarnation of the Jesus of Pasta Sauce, the
     light of Ahura-Audi shone in his eyes, and all the world loved him.
     Indeed the Tao was with him, and Yoda went through all the world and made
     everything swear not to harm Jesus. Except the mistletoe.

^ Zoso: and it came to be that Proserpine divulged this of Yoda, and one day
     tied two twigs of mistletoe together in the shape of a cross, and taped
     them to Jesus' back, at which point he suffered unspeakable agony. And at
     about the ninth hour, he cried out:

^ Zoso: 'Eloi! Eloi! Gabba gabba hey!' and gave up the ghost. And there was a
     terrible storm, for Zeus had porked Hera's handmaiden again, and she had
     found out. And the curtain to the temple was torn asunder, and the first
     amendment was accessible to all

^ Zoso: And they took Jesus, and scooped out his insides, and mummified him.
     At his breast was placed an amulet in the form of a golden scarab beetle.
     At his brow was placed the last of the Silmarils. And he was put on a
     ship by the Lady of the Lake, with Excalibur at his side

^ Zoso: He drifted in the sea for three days, and on the third day he rose,
     and was in Ireland, and he drove all the snakes out of it. Then he
     ascended into the heavens, and the druids await his return. The end.