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An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched 
by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the 
elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder 
up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close 
range.

"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little 
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he 
obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the 
elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your gold or I'll jump off the 
ladder!"

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An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. 
When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over 
his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!

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An Elf, a Gnome and a Dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.

The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. He is scrubbing and
washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two 
and comments: Our Elders have taught us Elves to be clean.

The Gnome finishes his business and he quickly wets the tips of his 
fingers and comments: Our Druid Elders have taught us Gnomes to be 
conservative of natures resources.

The Dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, He 
turns and comments: Our Elders have taught us Dwarves how not to piss 
on our hands.

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Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of 
Mirkwood.
"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."
The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously.
"We?  Who is this we?", he says sternly.
"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins 
Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."
"My good Dwarf, I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move 
on a moment's notice.", says the king.
"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."
The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.
"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between 
us all."
"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards 
are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."
"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."
And he leaves to return again in two days.
"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".
"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my 
elven army to 1300."
"Ah fok!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.
"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that.  Was it the power of my elven army to changed 
your mind?"
"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the 
room for 1300 prisoners."

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An Orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Rivendell, they 
were passing an old abandoned city when they heard a voice within the 
ancient city's walls : "One Elf is better than ten orc soldiers!" The 
captain was enraged and immediately sent ten of his best troops over 
the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came 
the sounds of a terriffic fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the 
voice spoke again "One Elven soldier is better than a hundred orc 
soldiers!" Well, the captain sent a hundred of his best troops over the 
walls. Soon came the sounds of a fight and then silence. The voice spoke 
up again "One elven soldier is better than a thousand orc  soldiers!" 
The captain was furious! He immediately sent the remainder of his troops
over the walls save only himself. (hey, one of the advantages of rank!:P) 
There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by 
the sound of an elf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from 
the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" 
asked the captain. The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was..
...trap....there.s....two....of....them...." 

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Two elvies went hunting. Elladan had been hunting all his life, but 
Elrohir was hunting for the first time. Elladan told Elrohir to sit 
down and not make a sound. So he did. But when Elladan got 100 yards 
away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said 
to Elrohir. "Well, I was when the snake bit me," saidElrohir. "And I 
was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled 
up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' 
I screamed." 

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An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven 
drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. 
I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra 
stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even 
leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the 
elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. 
Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them 
all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives 
the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did 
you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see 
if I could do it first."

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In the deep, secret places of Orthanc, there is a wondrous magical mirror. 
Legends say that if you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant 
you a wish . If you lie - *poof * - it swallows you up. One day, in the 
not-to-distant past, a Orc, a Dwarf, and a Elf come across the mirror. The 
Orc approaches first .. He says" I think Orcs are the most-smarty creatures 
in Middle Earth" .. *Poof!* - the mirror swallows him up. The Elf now goes 
up to the mirror. He says" I think we Elves have the best sense of humor in 
Middle Earth" ... *Poof!* - the mirror swallows him up too. Finally, the 
Dwarf steps up to the Mirror. He says " I think .... ..... *Poof!!*

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A Dwarf loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat 
rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten 
Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the dwarf a flash of insight 
and, after mass, the dwarf goes to confession to tell the priest what he 
was going to do... 

Dwarf: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. 
Dwarven Priest: Go ahead, son. 
Dwarf: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the 
rack. 
Dwarven Prist: Is that so? 
Dwarf: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I 
changed my mind. 
Dwarven Prist: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was 
discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?" 
Dwarf: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit 
adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!

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A Minion walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a 
cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none 
of my business, but what do have in the case?" Without saying a word, 
the minion opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. 
He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room 
to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding 
out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to 
see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the 
bartender is doing better business than he has in years. "Hey that guy 
is great," he says to the minion with the case. "Where did you get him?" 
"I was in Orthanc," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against 
the wall to rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed 
the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish." 
"That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" 
"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when 
you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate 
each word." "Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish 
didn't you?" "Tell me," the minion replied wearily, "do you really think I 
would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"

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An elf, a human and a dwarf were enjoying a nice meal when a fight
breaks out in the common room of a tavern.

The human immediately stood up and said. "Come friends, let's join 
this fight and toss them out."

The elf placed a hand on the human's arm and said, "We shouldn't fight 
unless we have to. Leave them alone."

The dwarf just sat and watched the fight go on.

Tables were overturned, chairs were thrown and the fight just kept on 
going until all of a sudden, the dwarf growls and launches himself into 
the fray. In a matter of seconds he's beat up and thrown out all the 
combatants and has sat back at his chair.

His two companions sit rather stunned and look at him. Finally the 
human asks, "What came over you?"

Just then a serving wench arrives with the Dwarf's tankard of Ale and 
says, "Thanks, I thought I'd never get your drinks here because of 
that fight."

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Silvara Ironside is home making dinner, as usual, when Simeron arrives 
at her door. "Silvara, may Aye come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' tae 
tell yer."

"Of course ya can come in, you're always welcome, Simeron. But where's 
me husband?"

"That's what Aye'm here tae be tellin' yer, Silvara. There was an 
accident doon at da Dwarf Ale brewery..."

"Oh, Gods no!" cries Silvara. "Please don' tell me..."

"I must, Silvara. Yer husband Gort is dead and goon. Aye'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Simeron. "How did it happen, Simeron?"

"It was terrible, Silvara. He fell into a vat uv "Bugman's 5X Extra 
Stout" Brew and drowned."

"Oh blessed Brell! But yer must tell me true, Simeron. Did he at least 
go quickly?"

"Well, no Silvara... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got oot three times to pee."

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A famous band of dwarven adventurers were sitting in a temple talking 
amongst themselves when one of the dwarfs stood up: "Father Cleric, are 
there any dwarf nuns in this church?", said Bashful. "No, there aren't 
any dwarf nuns in this church." the Father Cleric replied. So the dwarf 
sat back down and they continued to talk amongst themselves when nother 
dwarf stood up: "Father Cleric, are there any dwarf nuns in this town?", 
asked Grumpy. "No, I don't believe there are.", the Father Cleric replied. 
The dwarf sat down and there was continued discussion amongst the dwarfs 
when another dwarf stood up: "Father Cleric, are there any dwarf nuns in 
this country?", asked Sleepy. "No, as a matter of fact I don't believe 
there are any dwarf nuns in this country.", the Father Cleric replied. 
The dwarf sat back down and there was much laughter. The Cleric approached 
the group and asked "Why do you laugh so?" And the dwarfs replied "Dopey 
fucked a penguin!"

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